I once heard a woman of God say 'everyone has a God-shaped hole in their heart'. Looking back on it now, it makes perfect sense. My teen years were dedicated to carefree 'YOLO' living; those years were all about the parties, the drinking and hanging out with the 'who's who'. It was about being seen and noticed, about boyfriends. With all this going on, I carried an emptiness. While these things silenced the emptiness for a while, at the end of the day, the emptiness would always rush back. I could have the cutest outfit, be in the club with my whole crowd and drink myself into a stupor, I could be with a boyfriend and have a great time but whenever I woke up the next day, the emptiness did as well.

Over the years I accumulated so much baggage secretly, which begun to weigh me down. I was drowning in bad decisions and mistakes, at several points attempting suicide to put an end to it all. One such incident had left me hospitalized. I had cut myself severally with blades, knives and broken glass following events in my romantic and social life.

I grew up in a Christian home, going to church and everything. But as I got older, I turned away from the faith. God was trying to get my attention, but I wasn't ready. I figured I would keep up with my lifestyle a few more years then go back to God. The emptiness in my heart however grew louder. I was surrounded by friends, boyfriend, and admirers but still felt completely alone. There were times I would wake up convinced there must be something more to this emptiness I carried but whenever I considered going back to God, unworthiness and guilt and shame roared louder. I wasn't sure if God wanted me back after all I had done.

I do not remember the date that I fully accepted Christ. I had responded to the altar call many times and backslid. I became in desperate need of change. I can't say I went to church, and all my struggles disappeared. I can't say I went to church and in the same instant gave up the drinking, the club, or the bad relationships. But accepting Christ as my savior lifted the weight I was carrying off me. The burden was still there, but it was no longer mine to carry. The more time I spent with God, the more my sinful lifestyle started to fall away. The emptiness slowly began to be filled. The God shaped hole I had? He filled it. God filled the void that no one had ever managed to. Christ took me on a journey of healing and forgiveness.

I thought I was too messy for God, that my past was too dirty, and that I was broken beyond repair. God makes beautiful things out of the most unexpected stuff; He made man out of the dirt of the earth. God’s best work is done with the things that man finds murky and unworthy. The past is not something to shy away from; it is something to cite to show how great our God is. I am not ashamed of the scars of my past; they show me I was once at war with myself and with the world, and that with Christ, I’ve won.